March 2015
1
舍得舍得。。有舍才会有得。
3
5
我好厌倦悲伤一直找上我们的日子。盼望着你的一句“我想你，最近还好吗” 。你心里只想给我专属的五分钟。没有别人，没有功课，眼里心里就只想了解我。这样子而已。在你心里只属于我的时间到底要等多久呢？
我们最终。。还是不欢而散吗?
5
在最深层的意识中，每个女孩都希望自己是最特别的，特别是在自己心仪对象的眼中。而不论表现的明不明显，每个人也都会或多或少希望自己拥有最好的，所以会不断的彼此较量着。
我曾相信自己再你眼中是特别的，然而在此刻，我却如此清楚的感觉到自己是多么的卑微低下，多么的愚蠢可笑，根本一点都不特别，更别说什么亮眼杰出。
我看不清楚一切，我对恋爱的信念，勇往直前追求所爱的决心，对你的爱，以及期待爱情降临和我们可以一起慢慢慢慢变老，轻啄生命里一点一点幸福的所在，都在此时翻覆的被怀疑不确定。
8
夜深人静我睡不着。脑里很多杂念和负面想法。有时真的会有点累了。天生真的太爱多想。好像不苦了自己不行一样。
9
Reflecting
Reflecting
Looking back at my words from January and February, it breaks my heart that we have to quarrel over small issues we will not recall when we think back next time. Tears, frustration and helplessness overwhelms us. I question myself, is this all my fault and I'm not sure.
26
The hardest thing to do is to stand by your choices and loved ones.
May 2015
1
Two years and that is it. Having sat through your last paper yesterday, this is your liberation and hopefully ours too. This is what I've pinned for. Living through these two years to find us a better place. Now that you finished school, it's almost as if I'm afraid. What if things do not change for the better? That we still can't learn to compromise. What if school is just your excuse all along. The number of what ifs I can't begin to count.
That couple activity about the note, it was a bad idea. I thought it would be good. It probably did you good. But not so much for me. I dealt with the bad things but the few good things about me that come to your mind all revolves around my willingness. It doesn't have to be me but just anyone with the same willingness I guess. Am I not a one and only to you my love, my one and only. I don't think you can ever understand my insecurities and vulnerability. I'm lying if I say I don't feel better after your effort, explaining yourself yesterday and promising another note with more thought.
I don't know if one day you will stop trying to comfort this insecure mind of mine. I know, this overthinking kills me too.
I often imagine us at family gatherings. You would do all the talking, the expressive one and when you say something wrong I'll give that disapproving look. It's a blissful thought.
Now that studies no longer hinder, will you finally stop and think about us? Are you still afraid to commit? Where are we heading. Do you have in mind what is the same as in mine? The clock is ticking. I wouldn't be here always. I'm not sure if you realize that I am not joking. That I need you to want to commit. That you need to ask me if I want to be your girlfriend. It's a silly thing to some I guess. The kind of commitment we have right now and still denying that we are a pair.
But I will give you time.
Come what may.
191
Two years and that is it. Having sat through your last paper yesterday, this is your liberation and hopefully ours too. This is what I've pinned for. Living through these two years to find us a better place. Now that you finished school, it's almost as if I'm afraid. What if things do not change for the better? That we still can't learn to compromise. What if school is just your excuse all along. The number of what ifs I can't begin to count.
That couple activity about the note, it was a bad idea. I thought it would be good. It probably did you good. But not so much for me. I dealt with the bad things but the few good things about me that come to your mind all revolves around my willingness. It doesn't have to be me but just anyone with the same willingness I guess. Am I not a one and only to you my love, my one and only. I don't think you can ever understand my insecurities and vulnerability. I'm lying if I say I don't feel better after your effort, explaining yourself yesterday and promising another note with more thought.
I don't know if one day you will stop trying to comfort this insecure mind of mine. I know, this overthinking kills me too.
I often imagine us at family gatherings. You would do all the talking, the expressive one and when you say something wrong I'll give that disapproving look. It's a blissful thought.
Now that studies no longer hinder, will you finally stop and think about us? Are you still afraid to commit? Where are we heading. Do you have in mind what is the same as in mine? The clock is ticking. I wouldn't be here always. I'm not sure if you realize that I am not joking. That I need you to want to commit. That you need to ask me if I want to be your girlfriend. It's a silly thing to some I guess. The kind of commitment we have right now and still denying that we are a pair.
But I will give you time.
Come what may.
I've put a lot of thought about us and given you something to think about.
"Are you afraid to lose me?"
It's funny how it is always the excuse that you have something else on top priority and that is why you do not think about us. It's a choice to let other things take precedence all the damn time and you know very well why you let that happen. That "us" is not something you want to think about. Men, we choose the easier things to tackle first.
Knowing this fact, you do not have to let me in on anything else. I know what is to become of us.
Still, I promised myself that I would give you time but my heart tells me not to hope.
20
You can't be in a relationship and be afraid to commit. Enough of these cloudiness, uncertainty. I'm putting my foot down.
22
Practicing my patience, why does it always have to be at crossroads for us.
26
2:35am
能不能是你陪我到最后？
27
I've been doing it all wrong.
❋
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